If there is one thing I have become aware of, it is that generalization slowly ruins our lives. Generalizations limit our focus and blind us to new possibilities, happiness, and a deeper sense of control in our lives. But what is generalization? Generalization is deleting information so that an idea fits better with what we know. Imagine that you have a round hole, and you are trying to stick a square peg into it. Generalizations cut away at the square peg so that it fits the way we think it should.
There are three types of generalizations: universal generalizations (“she never listens to me” or “no one likes me),” necessity generalizations ("should, shouldn’t, have too, must," etc.), and possibility/impossibility generalizations (“I just can’t do that” or “that’s not possible”). Language shapes the way we see the world. If I say that there is a barrier or a wall between us, even though it is a form of language, it feels almost literal. We use this type of language frequently, when we say things such as “I’d like to be open with you” or “I feel so free when I’m with him.”
“The limits of my language, are the limits of my world.” - Ludwig Wittgenstein.
what does generalization do?
Generalization creates boundaries. When there is a limit placed in our minds, we will not cross it. Have you ever seen someone experiencing this? You know they can do something, but they have an invisible wall through which they think they cannot pass.
I’ll give you an example. About two years ago I felt frantic and busy because I felt I never had time and was rarely in control, always reacting to situations. I had a very short fuse with people around me. I remember being in our church parking lot about to have an emotional breakdown and saying to myself, “I can’t do this. I don’t have time.” I genuinely believed I couldn’t do certain things, but in reality, I had simply chosen something more important. My generalization confined me. Without realizing it, I had become a slave to these boundaries. I still remember exactly where I was when I realized that I was the one that placed those boundaries there in the first place. Therefore, if I erected them, I could also remove them.
Generalization limits what we see. Have you ever met someone who thought they were the best thing since cheese pizza? No matter what happened, they were convinced that they were amazing no matter what! They had decided to see only the evidence that substantiates their belief and to ignore what does not. This is what generalizations do. If you say “She’s impossible to talk to,” you will find evidence to support that, creating a filter that deletes information not corresponding with what you believe.
Generalizations remove responsibility. When we say things such as “I can’t” or “Sorry, but I have to do this,” we remove the fact that we are still making a choice. We pretend that we are a victim of our circumstances, locked in by our language.
Now, let’s take a look at how to obliterate these generalizations. If generalizations delete information, we need to learn how to resurrect that information. Let me give you some fantastic questions to do just that.
A great place to start is to simply repeat back the generalization. If you catch yourself saying “Everybody hates me,” you could ask yourself, "Does everyone truly hate me?" No, probably not.
Secondly, ask "To what or whom am I comparing myself?" If you say, “I’m just so busy,” you could respond with “Busy compared to whom? Elon Musk?” This opens our perspective and removes boundaries in our mind.
Lastly, ask yourself, "What is stopping me? What if I could?" Generally, we get what we look for in life. This question helps us to boil down the generalization into something workable.
These questions are especially powerful when working with other people. For example, let’s say one of my employees says “Hey, I’m really sorry, but I can’t come to work tomorrow.” If I respond with “Why not?” they will tell me why they “can’t,” creating more and more structure as to why the peg of coming into work, doesn’t fit. This reinforces the generalization. Instead, we want to resurrect what has been deleted by this generalization and figure out what “can’t” actually means. Let’s respond with “What would you need to be able to come to work tomorrow?” The answer to this might be "Well, I would have to find a babysitter for my kids." Therefore, instead of it being impossible, we see that the solution is simply finding a babysitter. And maybe they actually cannot, or maybe they have only checked with two people. The generalization severely limited both our perspectives of the situation into an impassible barrier, even though the solution was really quite simple.
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