As the youngest in my family, I know all too well the stereotypes and pressures that occupancy us. In this segment, we cover some of those and how they actually have a very significant impact on our lives.
This blog post comes from the script of a youtube video I made, but even though it was longer than usual, I didn't feel like I covered as much as I wish I could. Keep your eyes on my youtube channel, if you'd like to watch a condensed version of this post. You can find my channel here.
Disclaimer!
Let me make something very clear. This is not a pity party, where I am vulnerable in hopes of getting attention. What I’m talking about here can often come across as complaining, being unsatisfied, hashing, you name it. This won't happen. I will say it how it is, what I have felt, and I will be honest. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad, or guilty and I hold no hard feelings towards anyone.
My Family
Because much of what I will be discussing here involves my family, let me give you a little glimpse into what that looks like. I am the youngest of 6 siblings. I have 2 sisters who are the oldest of the siblings (Marlene - 35, and Rae - 34) followed by 3 brothers (Jon - 32, Zac - 30, Reagan - 27) and myself coming in last at 21.
What are These Stereotypes?
Usually, they include but are not limited to
Spoiled
Babied/coddled
Easier life
Fewer hardships
Most of the time these are not things that are actually said that often, but we hear them. We see them, and we feel it all. Sometimes we actually feel like we are in debt. This is almost never said, but it’s there, and it’s easy to feel the pressure from above.
What's the Problem?
Let's cover what I think are the 3 main problems with stereotypes like this. Again I want to be very clear, that this is not universal. Everyone has a different experience, and there are tons of exceptions. The last thing I want you to do is to place someone else or yourself in a box. This is more like me tossing my experience out into the dark, and seeing if others can relate.
Problem Number 1 - Our Path is Made
I mostly mean by this, that in most cases, our older siblings have blazed a way through life ahead of us, Which we then follow in their footsteps. Or at least that’s the stereotype. This will be different for each individual and how they are raised. This is both a blessing and a curse.
It's a blessing because we learn from their mistakes, we see what works and what doesn't. So when we proceed through life, we can avoid certain things, and latch on to others that will help us. For example, my brother Zac taught me how to ship items from China in bulk, at a cheap price, and then flip on eBay. It was a good little business, and I made a few thousand from it back in the day. It also taught me a lot about marketing and shipping, which I use quite a bit today. Another example would be all the video work that my brother involved me in. I was editing videos for him when I was around 10-12. He let me use his equipment whenever I needed it, which is the only reason I am where I am to this day. We learn years of experience simply by observing what they do.
But it is also a curse. How could this possibly be a curse? It’s pretty simple really. It’s very easy if you follow in the footsteps of your older siblings, to lack your own breakthrough moment and the recognition that comes with that. When you accomplish something, you find that someone above you has already done it to some degree. When they are married, you are single. When they have kids, you just got married. It's as though you are always one step behind them and you can't relate to them as well. It’s like they are saying “oh cool he’s finally doing something now.” I don't know about everyone else, but without that breakthrough kind of moment of recognition, I don’t feel respected, or like I’ve accomplished something significant. They say “you never had to make your own path” but then complain when we try to leave their path to make our own thing. See the confusion? Either way, you feel stuck because you're kind of expected to follow them, but then you get smacked with “you never had to make your own way” and if you try to branch out you get criticized.
Problem Number 2 - Time is Against Us
The reality of the situation for many (not all) but many youngest of the family, is that time is dramatically against them. Especially if they have a family that has more than 3-4 children.
What do I mean by time is against us? Well, we grew up last, which means we have the least amount of time to get to know our siblings. We hardly know them, but they have known you their whole lives. This goes way beyond them simply viewing the youngest as a kid still.
Take my oldest sister for example. She’s known me for 21 years and I’ve known her for maybe 1-2 consistent years because she left home so early. I'm just now learning to know my own sister, and what she is like! It's weird. I'm learning that she is an amazing mother and wife, that she loves to read, and what her personality is like. Even my next sister, I only knew maybe around 4-5 years, but still, she has known me at least 4 times as long as I’ve known her. We had more childhood together, but again she was out of the house during the most critical parts of my growing up period (8-14). These were the times I was deciding who I was and how I react to people. How I think, how I process. She still knows the kid she left, when in reality that kid is gone, replaced by someone who thinks for themselves, and can stand on his own feet. It's not that my family doesn't know this, it's that they don't know how else to treat me. They didn't look at me differently as I grew, they woke up suddenly realizing I wasn't a kid.
This is where this is gonna get real, very fast, and again I’m not trying to make anyone feel guilty here. This is no one's fault. This is life but the fact of the matter is that distance and tensions can tend to form because of these things, so let’s understand them. I talked about my sisters, but even with my brothers (this is rough cause everyone in my family is gonna read this lol) I basically have no memories of them or doing things with them between the ages of 8-14 (again a critical part of devolvement.) This is because, even though they still lived with us, they were working long days for my dad, who had just started a business. It became their life, and we went through those separate chapters at different times. My next oldest brother Reagan is 6 years older than me, so I know him a lot better, and we still work together quite a lot.
From everything I've discussed here, you should be able to see that this is a tremendous disadvantage. We are thrown into a ship whose crew already knows how to sail. We are the rookie on the sports team that’s played together for 15 years.
I do want to make something clear, and that is that I know how relationships work, and how they are two-sided. If relationships are lacking, that is also partially my fault. I'm not passing the blame off on them and playing the victim, this is simply life. But the reality is that this has a huge effect on us, so let's talk about it and understand it.
The reason I say tensions can form here is because now, all the stereotypes, sayings, and judgments pressures, whatever you want to call them, are being said, acted, and shown by people who we hardly even know, but for some reason have usurped authority over us. But they feel completely free of guilt to share those things because, in their minds, they have known us for our who lives. There’s nothing weird about it for them. So this is where the problem lies, and how tensions form.
Problem Number 3 - Psychology
It should be obvious that this can have a pretty strong psychological effect on us. If you repeat something long enough it becomes a part of your psychology, and a part of how you operate. Sometimes (again, there are tons of exceptions here) from what I’ve felt, and seen in others, everything we have discussed before can tend to cause some reactions.
1. The first reaction I’ve observed is that we simply duck our heads and follow. We sit back quietly, and let the others run the conversations, we let them take the lead and we follow. This is the easiest way and is how I went for a while until I got older and began to digest all of this.
2. The second reaction is slightly more dramatic and is more common. In a desperate attempt to have the recognition and the “breakthrough” moment, we leap out to make a name for ourselves. Beneath is the desire to “show them what I’m made of” and on the surface is a frantic motivation. This can be dangerous because if we make it, we probably won’t get the reaction we envisioned, disappointing us, and if we don’t make it, then it intensifies the reality of the stereotypes we have been feed most of our lives. This can also present itself in going a little “too far” in some things, as a way to get recognition or attention from our peers.
3. The third reaction is the one we want to hopefully land on. This is where we follow, learning, planning, devising the most opportune moment to step out and prove ourselves. We learn as much as we can before jumping ship and making a name for ourselves. This makes us more prepared and increases the odds of us succeeding. I’ve personally done all 3 of these at some point or another and most are not fun.
And again, depending on how you’re raised and your personality these can be intensified or diminished. Or it may present itself in different ways, but that’s how it presented itself to me.
Solution
I believe that the solution starts in the mind. How we think directly correlates to how we act. So by addressing our minds, we will in turn solve the problem we are having. First a word for those who aren't the youngest.
How Can We Change Our Thinking?
Use Our Skills. Develop the mindset that we have things to offer as well. Find out what we are good at, and ask us to help you where our skills are needed. If your the youngest make sure you know what that skill is, if you aren’t the youngest, do you know what his or her primary skill is? This is important because the youngest is constantly being taught from the older. If there is an opportunity when we have something we can teach the older, don’t shun that. Celebrate that. It’s about removing that “parent-child” sort of thing.
Don't Stereotype Us. Throw them out the window. Seriously don’t believe any of those. I don't care if you think they are true. They don’t help anyone, they place us in a box, and despite what you think, if you believe even a tiny bit of them, we will feel it. The youngest are intently studying the older, and we have a very strong sense for things like this. Stereotypes are often undefinable as it is. Who determines what “spoiled” means? You define it totally differently than I do, so labeling someone with that illogical.
Get to Know Us. How do you get to know someone? You talk with them about common interests and experience things together. Express interest in our projects, even though you're years ahead of us. Listen to us, and offer help, not criticism. And remember, we don't know you anywhere even close to how you know us, so if you only criticize us, it won't lead to a long-lasting relationship.
Let Us be Individuals. Your mindset is holding us back. Don’t hold us to what we were before. Let us grow up, and treat us as an individual and respect us. When I interviewed my friends about this, one of them told me something that hits so close to home I had to write it down and share it with you. This is the heart's cry of the youngest. He said "Don’t treat me like a knock off when I’m just trying to change, and become someone different. If you don’t let me change and be myself, your pushing me away, because you make it weird to be myself." Wow. I really hope that sinks in.
What about us as the youngest? How can we change our mindset? We can’t let ourselves off the hook here, because that implies we don’t have control over this, which we do.
Don't Believe the Stereotypes. What you think about grows. Challenge those stereotypes, and above all, if they are illogical or cognitive distortions, make sure you don’t believe them. I made a video on cognitive distortions on my youtube channel, if that is something you would be interested in.
Realize You're Incredibly Blessed. Think about this for a second. You have years of information and knowledge in the form of older siblings that you can learn from. Don't just throw that off the table. Realize it, and appreciate it. When the time is right step out, but make sure you are proactive in your waiting period. Remember you have more potential than you or anyone could ever imagine. It’s up to you to make sure you use it.
Determine Your Own Future. Ok, this one is not easy, but I believe the journey begins first with the realization and belief that you control your own destiny. When you believe this with your whole mind, you then begin the journey of taking control of your life, and not letting others define or control you.
Now there’s a good chance that while you were reading this, you thought of someone else who could benefit from hearing these tips. I’d really encourage you to share this post with them. If someone doesn’t want to improve, that’s on them not you. But it’s worse yet if they never have the option.
With that being said, gentlemen as always stay creative and I’ll see you in the next one.